margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
