I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
