I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
