peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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