i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
