Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
