The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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