Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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