dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
