dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
