I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Randomize
