I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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