Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
