My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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