Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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