I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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