if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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