My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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