I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
