You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
