take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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