Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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