I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
