mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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