Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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