Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
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