I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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