im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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