You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
