You can't special order awesome
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Reggie can tackle my bush.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
