shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
