You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
