Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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