im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
