You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
