OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
