i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
