I hate all girls vehemently.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
