My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
