Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
