I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
