I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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