6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
