I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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