Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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