WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
