I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
