i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Randomize
