Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
