Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize