I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
