Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
