Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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