you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
