If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
