awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
