omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
