Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
