Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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