I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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