woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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