Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
